Friday, November 03, 2006

it's been almost three weeks since i quit smoking again, but only in the last couple of days has it really bothered me. for most of the time, it's been like a psycho ex-girlfriend: i missed it some, but knew i had to let it go, and the knowledge comforted me, provided that degree of distance and insulation you need to let your better instincts rule over your animal desires. what always killed me before was the anxiety, that gut-level panicked feeling that something was horribly, horribly wrong. today that feeling has overwhelmed me again. i can't think, can't string more than a thought and a half together. and while i know that it's just my biochemistry adjusting, and that it's actually a good thing, since all this shit would otherwise have lived inside of me forever instead of being processed out, the knowledge is intellectual, lacking the immediacy of lived experience. it's okay. i know it's okay, and that in the end i'll be glad of it, but right now i'm freaking the fuck out and i'm not really sure what to do about it.
that must be why i'm blogging, since i never blog. i only keep this thing open because i really like the name i put on it. i was sure that i'd post regularly, even though my internet access is sporadic. god knows i've got more than enough to say on my favorite subjects, especially politics. some people follow sports. i think it's kind of silly how into it people get, but i also recognize that i'm in the minority on this, and i hardly begrudge people anything that makes them happy, that puts passion in their lives and gives them something to relate to strangers about.
i just don't seem to have that gene.
i tell myself that i'm just trying to be an informed citizen, that i'm just doing due diligence, but there's definitely more to it than that. my behavior patterns vis a vis the blogworld and the universe of discourse have something of the addictive to them.
after all, if i was motivated by the desire to add to the discourse, to actually make some effort to change the fucked-up shit, instead of just yammering on to whoever happens to be willing to listen, i'd be doing more than just spending hours on end in the coffee shop riding the free wireless wave to the land of them what already agree with me, at least substantially.
but what?

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