My Entry for the Scalzi/Wheaton Fanfic Contest

If you'd like to know what the following is about, click here.  It'll make a lot more sense when you see the picture.

Behold, this Last of Days has come.  Dark clouds roil.  Volcanoes thrust themselves skyward, hurling dust and ash into the clouds, which cause them to roil even more roilishly.  Magma flows, glowing in the darkness, which is good, because otherwise the dark, roiling clouds, which have blocked out the sun entirely, would make it too dark to see, completely ruining the atmosphere; but it’s also bad, because magma is hot and will kill you if you touch it.  Believe me, I should know.  Not that I’ve ever touched magma, because if I had, I’d be dead, and  obviously I’m not, ‘cause if I was then who would be telling you this?  Not me, that’s for sure.  But I saw it once on TV, maybe an episode of Jackass or something.  To tell you the truth I don’t really remember.  Maybe I just read about it somewhere, like on the internet or something.  Anyway, it’s not important.  What is important is that there’s no lightning, which seems weird when you think about it, but it makes sense because then the colors would be all wrong, because lightning is kind of blue-tinged, and the theme for Behold this Last of Days is definitely red and not blue, and if it were blue, well, I can’t really imagine it would be this Last of Days because even if it was lightning-ing, that would mean it was probably going to rain, which makes plants grow, and if it’s Behold this Last of Days then that probably means that there aren’t any plants anymore anyway, so lightning is out for lots of reasons, not least of which is that there isn’t any.
Anyway, where was I?

Oh, right.  Behold, this Last of Days has come.  Dark clouds roil.  Volcanoes thrust skyward, hurling and spewing and being generally very dramatic, which is perfect since they are here to serve as the backdrop for the Final Confrontation between Something and Something Else.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking ‘Dude, WTF?  Something and Something Else?  What kind of Final Confrontation is that?  Are you serious?’  And you’re totally well within your rights to ask me that, because it doesn’t really seem all that dramatic when you think about it.  No, when you think about it it definitely lacks a certain, oh I don’t know, what’s the word?  Give me a minute, I’ll think of it.  No, just hold on.  One more minute.

Alright, I give up.  I can’t think of the word I’m looking for.  It’s something like ‘oomph’ only more... dramatic or poetic or something.  Look, I understand.  As a reader, you’re looking for something really juicy, like The Final Confrontation between Good and Evil, or something really deep like that, but c’mon, the guy on the Pega-Uni-Kitten is wearing a clown sweater.  I mean, it doesn’t even go all the way down to his pants.  And I know, he’s got nice abs and whatever, but still, he doesn’t have to make a big thing out of it and make everybody feel bad.  Not everybody can afford a personal trainer and spend all day doing crunches, you know.  Some of us have glandular issues, and when some spear-chucking Adonis who can’t even be bothered to wear clothes that hide his preternaturally tight six-pack abs comes along, on a Pega-Uni-Kitten no less, I mean, how is that supposed to make me feel?  Really.  I think he’s maybe just not a very thoughtful person, or something.  I’m just saying.
And that other guy?  Who picked out his wardrobe?  I mean, really.  Spiked shoulderpads?  And don’t even get me started on the short-shorts under that armored kilt.  Sure, I mean, he’s got nice legs, and if I had legs like that I’d probably want to show them off, too, but I would totally do it more tastefully.  And you wouldn’t catch me dead in those boots.  The studs don’t even match the spikes on his shoulderpads, which are totally impractical for fighting an airborne adversary, anyway.  He probably can’t even lift his arms over his head.  How’s he going to swing that axe at the guy on the Pega-Uni-Kitten?  Think it through, man, think it through.

Still, that’s a wicked-looking axe.  I wonder if it’s magic.  Probably.  I mean, yeah, it’s not glowing or anything, but you can just tell, you know?  Besides, he’d hardly be hanging around on Behold this Last of Days for the Final Confrontation between Something and Something Else if it wasn’t.  It’s gotta be at least plus one, though I bet that shield is just what it looks like, which is something he made in shop class when he was in middle school.

Man, I bet middle school was pretty hard for that guy.  I mean, it was hard enough for me, and I don’t have green skin or pointy Spock ears and I totally wouldn’t wear two earrings, and if I did I definitely would NOT put them in my right ear.  I heard that was totally gay.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but if he was gay then the last place you want people to know that is in middle school.  I mean, those kids can be really mean to people who are different.  I should know.

Yeah, I bet that green guy wishes he had a projectile weapon.  I guess he could throw his axe, but he’d only get one chance and if he wasn’t careful he might throw it into the magma and then he’d be totally boned, not like he isn’t already, but at least with the axe he’s got a chance.  Not as good a chance as he’d have if he had a bow or something, but all he’s got besides that is that little dagger on his belt.  Wait, maybe he could throw that.  At least he’d still have his axe if he missed.  Not that I think it’d do much good, but at least he’d have that.  Still, if he was going to throw the dagger he’d have to put down his axe, and then the other guy’d be all like ‘PWN!’ and stab him with his spear, which he’s probably going to do anyway, and then feed the green guy to his Pega-Uni-Kitten for dinner.

That’s what I would do.

I wonder what they’re fighting about?  Probably the green guy was all like ‘Hey, your clown sweater is stupid-looking’ and the clown-sweater guy was like ‘What-ever, dude, you’re wearing short-shorts and shoulder pads’ and the green guy was all like ‘I must avenge my brother, who suffers from Coulrophobia’ and clown-sweater guy was like ‘I don’t even know what that means’ and green guy was like ‘It means he’s afraid of clowns, you clown.  Man you really are dumb, which I already knew because you didn’t even wear shoes and the ground is all covered in magma’ and clown-sweater guy was like ‘I don’t have to wear shoes, because my Pega-Uni-Kitten keeps me from having to walk on the ground’ and then they were both like ‘En garde!’ and ‘Grrr!’

So I guess what it is is that this is the Final Confrontation between people who wear shoes and people who don’t like to because they have a Pega-Uni-Kitten.  Or maybe it’s the Final Confrontation between people who like clowns and people who are afraid of them.  Either way, I think the green guy is totally gonna lose, even if he does have nice legs.