Sunday, December 30, 2007

i think i wanted this.
a few months ago, my life was very settled. comfortable enough, i suppose. pleasant even. but every week was the same as every other. time seemed to pass very quickly, or, rather to have passed very quickly when i stopped and thought about it, even though sometimes it seemed as if lived time had slowed down.
i couldn't do it. so i got out.
life seems to have gotten more interesting as a result. i have mixed feelings about it.

it's hard to know what to think sometimes. it seems a number of bedrock assumptions are up in the air. i realize that's a pretty mixed-up metaphor, but the image actually holds for what it's like to be inside my head right now. i'm trying to be that shaolin ninja guy that leaps from chunk to chunk through the madness and gets it done. but my leaps and backflips are a wee touch out of control, and i keep landing funny and knocking myself about.
banged myself on the forehead last night. the door fell off my jeep again, too.
but i got to make out with a girl i've wanted for a long time, and it was like jamming a live wire down my throat until the electricity filled my whole fucking chest cavity.
then she ran away.

i've been drinking too much lately. i've been using it to fill the vice gap that quitting smoking has created. it's a short-term solution, but it seems to have worked. i haven't had a cigarette, haven't even really come close. still miss them, but i miss a lot of things that have come and gone. i'm kind of sentimental that way.
shit, i'm all kinds of emotional these days. i imagine the drinking doesn't help.
it's ok, though, i can feel the wheels turning. i think this phase is done. it's coming up on time to cleanse. after my birthday, i think. doesn't make sense until then.

alright. enough babbling on about feelings. there's work to do.

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